by Jeff Feldhahn
“So what do you think it means when a woman says she wants security?” I asked a friend.
“It means I can’t ever stop running,” he said. “I need to do whatever it takes to ensure that she doesn’t feel financially insecure. If that means I have to work really long hours or stick with a job I don’t like much, so be it.”
My friend felt a bit trapped, knowing that his wife wanted
him to provide a nice life for her and the kids but also wanted him home by dinner. Impossible financial expectations on her part? Perhaps, but probably not. It may be that men are really frustrated by what they think their wives expect, when the women actually have no such expectations. That’s what we found from interviewing over 1,000 wives for our research. Yes, they want security, but women mean something very different by the term than men
think.
To a woman, the security that matters most is emotional security: feeling emotionally connected and close to you—that you’re there for her, no matter what.Sure, providing financially is important,but for most women, it’s nowhere near the top of their list. In fact, as one woman said, “It’s not even on the same list!” Believe it or not, on the national survey my wife Shaunti and I commissioned, seven out of ten married women said they would choose financial struggles over distance in the relationship. This fact is blazingly obvious to most women—but the majority of men have trouble believing it!Likewise, women can’t believe that we think they think financial security would be more important.As one woman said, “So in essence you guys are thinking that we are materialistic—really,really materialistic—and that we’d choose things over your happiness?!”
Uh . . . yeah. I guess that’s what we’re saying. But apparently, we’re wrong.According to our data, not only does your wife care far more about you than anything you could provide; she’s also willing to sacrifice financially to have more of you and more happiness for you.
The fact that this is so hard for men to accept apparently has to do with male-wiring, not female. The research Shaunti conducted for her previous book demonstrated that three-quarters of men are“always” or “often” conscious of their burden to provide—and most husbands wouldn’t have it any other way. Our work often defines us; our sense of self-worth is wrapped up in it. More to the point,we assume our wives know that all those long work hours are an important way we show our love.
The problem, I found, is that they don’t know it. In fact, what your wife wants is your time and attention, so the more you give to work, the higher priority your job appears. To her, this means she is not your priority. Your making such a choice may leave her feeling distanced and unloved.Since men and women view security differently, let’s more closely define what“emotional security” means to your wife.
1. She feels secure when you two feel close.Creating a sense of closeness between the two of you is more important than anything else—to a woman, it’s almost a synonym for emotional security. More than simply physical nearness, it involves other aspects of intimacy,including the little things that are part of being each other’s lover and best friend.Love can be conveyed even by small gestures that don’t naturally occur to most men,like reaching for her hand in a parking lot or leaving a caring voice mail. Once I discovered how important little things were—well, they are very doable!
2. She feels secure when you make time together a priority.You may see your job as what you do to care for your family; however, your wife will feel more secure knowing she and the kids come before your work and that, after God, she’s your primary focus. As one woman put it, “If I know he’s there for me, I can face any struggles financially.”Here’s a simplified summary of what“being a priority” usually means to a woman: outside traditional work hours, it’s how much time and attention you give her compared to anything else. A wife does not expect her husband to spend every off-the-job hour with her. But to feel emotionally secure, she can’t think he’s consistently choosing other priorities over her.
3. She feels secure when you demonstrate your commitment.Your wife needs to believe in the core of her being that nothing will scare you away—and that you’ll do everything in your power to protect the relationship.
For example, when you two are at odds,nothing reassures her like hearing, “I’m angry about this and need my space right now, but I want you to know we’re okay.”
4. She feels secure when you’re active at home and in parenting.Women long to see their husbands choosing to be active participants in family life, even if it means reworking other priorities.Unless you’re careful, your laudable drive to provide may prevent you from taking an active role in the life you set out to enjoy together. Some wives we surveyed felt they started out as their husband’s partner but somewhere along the way wound up as sole proprietor.
5. She feels secure when you do make an effort to provide.The effort you make to provide for your family does add to emotional security—even if the results aren’t bringing in the amount of money you assumed she wanted.While we focus on the results, wives’ focus on the effort—which makes them feel loved as long as it doesn’t crowd out other elements of emotional security.Women are far more willing to endure struggles if they can get more of you.Obviously, we need to find a balance.You’re designed to want to provide, but it should be encouraging to know your wife most likely thinks you are worth far more than your earning potential.
The Bottom Line
This whole topic boils down to asking ourselves—and our wives—one question:Am I providing the type of security
she genuinely wants and needs? One friend put his finger on the problem: “Men focus on income and possessions because it’s so much easier to measure success in numbers. ‘Loving attention’ is far more difficult for us to quantify.”We all instinctively know that as we age and our children leave home, our best memories will not center around the cool things we bought or the size of our house.
Invariably, the measure of success will be much simpler and more basic—the quality of the life we shared day in and day out.And that’s something which can translate as “s ecurity” to both of us.
Shaunti Feldhahn assisted in writing this article.
Jeff Feldhahn, together with his wife, authored a great book, For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women (Multnomah). Visit their website at www.shaunti.com.
Taken from In Touch magazine, June 2006. www.intouch.org.
