The Thriving Family

by Bro. Elijah Abanto

Mag-isip ka ng isang pamilya. Magigising ang mga anak, hindi dahil sa tawag ng kanilang ina, o amoy ng masarap na almusal, ngunit dahil sa ingay ng pag-aaway ng kanilang tatay at nanay. Magmamadaling umalis ang tatay; ipapasa naman nung nanay ang kanyang galit sa kanyang mga anak, sa pamamagitan ng bulyaw at masamang tingin. Dahil doon, isa sa mga anak ang sasagot nang pabalang sa kanyang ina.Yung isa pang anak, na mas matanda sa kanya, ay papagalitan siya dahil sa kanyang ugali at manghahamon ng away. Aalis ang mga anak sa eskwela nang mapait at galit. Walang may gusto ng ganoong pamilya. Ngunit madalas ay makikita natin ang ganitong uri ng eksena sa halos bawat pamilya—baka nga maging sa pamilya mo.
“Ano’ng gagawin namin ngayon?” itatanong mo. Huwag kang mag-alala; may pag-asa. Nagbibigay ang Biblia nang malinaw na mga instruksyon para magkaroon ng isang maka-Dios, lumalago, at nagtatagumpay na pamilya. Apat ito. Anu-ano ang mga ito?

Let’s start listening.

James 1:19—Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Proverbs 4:1—”Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.”
Ang salitang “listen,” noong tingnan ko sa Merriam-Webster Dictionary, ay may apat na ibig-sabihin kung gagamitin ito bilang isang action word. Lahat ay laging may karugtong na pagdinig, tulad ng iyong iniisip marahil. Ang isa ay isang makaluma o archaic na ibig-sabihin: “to give ear to,” paglalaan ng iyong tainga sa isang salita—parang yung ginagawa mo kapag may bumubulong sa iyo. Nagagawa mo na ba ito minsan sa iyong tahanan? Kung ikaw yung ama o ina, nagawa mo na ba ito sa iyong asawa o anak? O kung ikaw ay anak, sa iyong mga magulang? Ang nakakalungkot, ang pakikinig ay isa sa mga malaking “kapanasanan” ng maraming indibidwal kasama mga Kristiano.
Mas madaling tayong magsalita kaysa makinig. Ayon nga sa mga statistics, sa isang grupo na nag-uusap, kailangan lang magsalita ng isang tao ng labindalawang salita para automatic na magsalita ang isa pa. Kahit nagsasalita pa yung isa, awtomatiko, pagkaabot niya ng labindalawang salita, magsasalita na yung iba.
Marami sanang hindi na kinakailangang problema ng pamilya na naresolba kung ang pakikinig lamang ay kasama sa ating pag-uugali.
Ang salitang “hear,” kasama ang lahat ng anyo ng salitang ito, ay nababanggit sa Biblia ng higit sa 810 na beses. Kung paulit-ulit na binabanggit, ibig-sabihin mahalagang-mahalagang ito. Dapat tayong makinig kung magtatagumpay ang isang pamilya.
Heto ang ilang mungkahi na pwede mong gawin kung gusto mong malinang ang pagiging palamakinigin:
· I-break mo ang statistics! Huwag kang sasabay na magsalita sa nagsasalita. Hintayin mo siyang matapos.
· Huwag ka agad mag-react.
· Hayaan mong may makipag-usap sa’yo ngayong lingo at huwag kang magsalita hangga’t hindi niya hinihiling sa iyong magsalita ka.

Let’s talk spiritual.

Ephesians 5:19—Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;
Philippians 1:27—Only let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ: that whether I come and see you, or else be absent, I may hear of your affairs, that ye stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel;
Nasa panahon na tayo kung saan ang “pakikipag-usap nang ispiritwal” ay pinagtatawanan o nililibak. Subukan mong magsabi ng “The Lord be with you” bilang pagbati kung hindi asarin. Pero mukhang hinulaan na ito ng Hosea 9:7, dumarating na raw ang panahon na ang propeta ay tinatawag nang baliw, ang ispiritwal na tao ay ulol.
Ngunit may isang bagay tungkol sa pagsasalita nang ispiritwal na nagpapakalma sa isang tao. May epekto pa nga na parang binabantayan nila ang kanilang aksyon o sinasabi.
Isang magandang halimbawa ng ganitong klase ng pag-uusap ay makikita kina Boaz, kanyang mga manggagawa, Ruth, at Noami. (hal., Ruth 2:4)
Maaari na nating simulan na makipag-usap nang ispiritwal, sundin mo lang ang mga mungkahing ito:
· Panatilihin mo ang salitang “Dios” sa iyong pakikipag-usap nang hindi bababa sa 7 beses isang araw.
· Subukan mong huwag matawa o mang-asar sa taong nagsalita ng ispiritwal. Tanggapin mo ito nang normal at may paggalang.

Let’s submit to one another. 

Ephesians 5:21—Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
1 Peter 5:5—Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
Isipin mo na lang ang isang anak na lalaki o babae na nagpapasakop na lamang sa mga ipinag-uutos ng kanyang mga maglang. Wala ditong kaso kung anong klaseng magulang, kahit stepfather o stepmother iyan, masama o mabuting magulang—mas maganda kung nagpapasakop na lamang ang anak.
Isipin mo na lamang ang isang asawang babae na handing magpasakop sa kanyang asawa.
At isipin mo rin ang isang lalaki na binibigyang-konsiderasyon ang mga mungkahi ng kanyang asawa at anak at nagpapasakop rito kung ito naman ay tama.
Ang laki ng kaibahan, tama?
Maraming mga maliliit na bagay ang nagiging “iceberg” dahil sa kakulangan sa pagpapasakop. Ngunit marami din namang mga “icebergs” ang nawawala kapag may submission.
Paano mo lilinangin ang ganitong klase ng attitude? Try these two steps:
· Ikaw na ang magtanong, “Mayroon po kayong ipapagawa?” “May kailangan ka ba?” “Ano sa tingin mo?” Mas madali na magpasakop kapag ikaw na ang nauunang mag-alok.
· Planuhing sabihing “Oo,” kapag may nag-utos sa’yo, o nagbigay ng suwestiyon—basta alam mo namang tama at hindi naman nakakasama.

Let’s praise each other; 

let’s pray for each other.

Philippians 2:3—Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
1 Timothy 2:8—I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.
James 5:16—Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Patawarin niyo ako sa pagiging negatibo ko, ngunit, sa totoo lang, sa bawat panahon na ako ay napapadaan sa mga tahanan, kahit na sa mga Kristiano, bihira akong makarinig mula sa magulang ng mga positibong bagay tungkol sa kanilang mga anak. (Aminin!) Sa bawat mabuting ginawa, mayroon naman tayong itutumbas na sandaang masamang bagay tungkol sa tao. Sa mga anak, tuwing Mother’s Day o Father’s Day lang yata nakakapagsalita nang positibo! (Siguro pag may Children’s Day na rin ay magkaroon ng positibong masasabi ang mga magulang sa anak!) Madalas din sa pagitan ng mag-asawa ang ganitong klase ng eksena—pintasan, simangutan.
Ngunit alam mo, at alam ko, na mas nakakatulong ang mga positibong salita kaysa negatibo. Kahit kailan ay ganun na iyon. Mas mahirap tanggapin ang negatibo. Hindi naman dapat mawala ang negatibo, lalo na kung totoo at karapat-dapat namang banggitin; ngunit lalong hindi dapat kung walang positibo.
Ang resulta tuloy ay mga mabababa, imbes na naitataas, na ispiritu. Galit, at hindi kabaitan ang karaniwang resulta ng puro na lang pintas. Bakit hindi purihin ang mga nagawang tama ng isa’t isa? Kung may mali, ipanalangin natin nang taimtim sa Dios; kung kailangang kastiguhin, gawin mo, ngunit hindi dapat nawawala ang pagpansin ng tama.
Ilang mga suwestiyon:
· Purihin agad-agad ang nagawang tama at huwag nang ipagpaliban pa. Mas madali itong gawin nang “on-the-spot” kaysa maghintay ka pa ng “tamang” panahon. Hindi na iyon darating.
· Ipag-pray siya kung may nagawa siyang mali.
Mag-isip ka uli ng isang pamilya. Gigising ang mga anak—dahil mayroon silang morning devotions. Babati ang mga anak, “Magandang umaga po.” Pagkatapos ay mananalangin sila. Nakahanda ang masarap na almusal. Mukhang masaya si Ama. Maaliwalas ang mukha ni Ina. Ang lalaki, bago umalis, ay magtatanim ng halik ng pagmamahal sa kanyang asawasa kanyang asawa, na nagsasabing, “Gabayan ka ng Panginoon sa ating mga anak.” “Pagpalain ka ng Dios,” sasagot ang asawa nang pagkatamis-tamis. Ang mga anak? Nakangiti, halos-mangiyak-ngiyak na sa ligaya, at nagsasabing, “Ba-bye.” At mula doon ay magpapasalamat sila sa Dios para sa araw na iyon at sa mga magulang habang papunta sa school.
Ang lahat ay nagnanais ng ganoong klase ng pamilya. Pero, huwag kang mag-alala; hindi lang ito posible sa fairy tale—pwede rin itong mangyari sa totoong buhay. Sa tulong ng Dios, pagbubulay-bulay ng Kanyang Salita, at patuloy na pananalangin sa Kanya, ang pamilya mo’y magiging maka-Dios, lalago, at magtatagumpay.
Nagsisimula iyon—sa’yo. bdj

What Women Want

by Jeff Feldhahn

“So what do you think it means when a woman says she wants security?” I asked a friend.

“It means I can’t ever stop running,” he said. “I need to do whatever it takes to ensure that she doesn’t feel financially insecure. If that means I have to work really long hours or stick with a job I don’t like much, so be it.”

My friend felt a bit trapped, knowing that his wife wanted him to provide a nice life for her and the kids but also wanted him home by dinner. Impossible financial expectations on her part? Perhaps, but probably not. It may be that men are really frustrated by what they think their wives expect, when the women actually have no such expectations. That’s what we found from interviewing over 1,000 wives for our research. Yes, they want security, but women mean something very different by the term than men
think.

To a woman, the security that matters most is emotional security: feeling emotionally connected and close to you—that you’re there for her, no matter what.Sure, providing financially is important,but for most women, it’s nowhere near the top of their list. In fact, as one woman said, “It’s not even on the same list!” Believe it or not, on the national survey my wife Shaunti and I commissioned, seven out of ten married women said they would choose financial struggles over distance in the relationship. This fact is blazingly obvious to most women—but the majority of men have trouble believing it!Likewise, women can’t believe that we think they think financial security would be more important.As one woman said, “So in essence you guys are thinking that we are materialistic—really,really materialistic—and that we’d choose things over your happiness?!”

Uh . . . yeah. I guess that’s what we’re saying. But apparently, we’re wrong.According to our data, not only does your wife care far more about you than anything you could provide; she’s also willing to sacrifice financially to have more of you and more happiness for you.
The fact that this is so hard for men to accept apparently has to do with male-wiring, not female. The research Shaunti conducted for her previous book demonstrated that three-quarters of men are“always” or “often” conscious of their burden to provide—and most husbands wouldn’t have it any other way. Our work often defines us; our sense of self-worth is wrapped up in it. More to the point,we assume our wives know that all those long work hours are an important way we show our love.

The problem, I found, is that they don’t know it. In fact, what your wife wants is your time and attention, so the more you give to work, the higher priority your job appears. To her, this means she is not your priority. Your making such a choice may leave her feeling distanced and unloved.Since men and women view security differently, let’s more closely define what“emotional security” means to your wife.

1. She feels secure when you two feel close.Creating a sense of closeness between the two of you is more important than anything else—to a woman, it’s almost a synonym for emotional security. More than simply physical nearness, it involves other aspects of intimacy,including the little things that are part of being each other’s lover and best friend.Love can be conveyed even by small gestures that don’t naturally occur to most men,like reaching for her hand in a parking lot or leaving a caring voice mail. Once I discovered how important little things were—well, they are very doable!

2. She feels secure when you make time together a priority.You may see your job as what you do to care for your family; however, your wife will feel more secure knowing she and the kids come before your work and that, after God, she’s your primary focus. As one woman put it, “If I know he’s there for me, I can face any struggles financially.”Here’s a simplified summary of what“being a priority” usually means to a woman: outside traditional work hours, it’s how much time and attention you give her compared to anything else. A wife does not expect her husband to spend every off-the-job hour with her. But to feel emotionally secure, she can’t think he’s consistently choosing other priorities over her.

3. She feels secure when you demonstrate your commitment.Your wife needs to believe in the core of her being that nothing will scare you away—and that you’ll do everything in your power to protect the relationship.
For example, when you two are at odds,nothing reassures her like hearing, “I’m angry about this and need my space right now, but I want you to know we’re okay.”

4. She feels secure when you’re active at home and in parenting.Women long to see their husbands choosing to be active participants in family life, even if it means reworking other priorities.Unless you’re careful, your laudable drive to provide may prevent you from taking an active role in the life you set out to enjoy together. Some wives we surveyed felt they started out as their husband’s partner but somewhere along the way wound up as sole proprietor.

5. She feels secure when you do make an effort to provide.The effort you make to provide for your family does add to emotional security—even if the results aren’t bringing in the amount of money you assumed she wanted.While we focus on the results, wives’ focus on the effort—which makes them feel loved as long as it doesn’t crowd out other elements of emotional security.Women are far more willing to endure struggles if they can get more of you.Obviously, we need to find a balance.You’re designed to want to provide, but it should be encouraging to know your wife most likely thinks you are worth far more than your earning potential.

The Bottom Line
This whole topic boils down to asking ourselves—and our wives—one question:Am I providing the type of security she genuinely wants and needs? One friend put his finger on the problem: “Men focus on income and possessions because it’s so much easier to measure success in numbers. ‘Loving attention’ is far more difficult for us to quantify.”We all instinctively know that as we age and our children leave home, our best memories will not center around the cool things we bought or the size of our house.

Invariably, the measure of success will be much simpler and more basic—the quality of the life we shared day in and day out.And that’s something which can translate as “s ecurity” to both of us.

Shaunti Feldhahn assisted in writing this article.

Jeff Feldhahn, together with his wife, authored a great book, For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women (Multnomah). Visit their website at www.shaunti.com.

Taken from In Touch magazine, June 2006. www.intouch.org.

YOUR LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

WHY YOUR RESPECT MEANS MORE TO HIM THAN EVEN YOUR AFFECTION

by Shaunti Feldhahn

“I’m going to ask you to choose between two bad feelings,” the retreat speaker said. His gaze swept the divided room of 20-something singles, the men on one side, women on the other. “If you had to, would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world, or would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected?”

What kind of a choice is that? I remember thinking. Who would ever choose to feel unloved?

The speaker turned to the men’s side of the room. “Okay, men. Who here would rather feel alone and unloved?”

A sea of hands went up, and a giant hasp rippled across the women’s side of the room. I had just seen a truth demonstrated that many women have somehow totally missed: Most men would rather feel our respect than our love.

Since that day, I embarked on a mission to understand how men really think and feel. I interviewed over 1,000 men: close friends, strangers in the grocery store, married fathers at church, and the single student sitting next to me on an airplane. I talked to CEOs, attorneys, pastors, technology geeks, business managers, the security guard at Costco, and the guys behind the Starbucks counter. I even interviewed a professional opera singer and a former NFL offensive tackle with a Super Bowl ring.

I learned a lot from these men, and quite frankly, I was astonished by my findings more often than not. Probably the most important revelation was the fact that husbands need—desperately need—to be respected and built up by their wives. For a man, it’s respect, even more than love, that can turn a marriage into the delightful place of companionship that God intended.

How Can That Be?

Most of us women want above all to feel loved and cherished, and so we demonstrate the same to our men. In interviews, I’ve often heard husbands say, “I never doubt that my wife loves me.”

But I also heard many of those men continue, “However, I do doubt that she respects me.” The problem is that a perceived lack of respect is as devastating to them as it would be for us to doubt their love. In the professional national survey I conducted, the vast majority of men (three out of four) agreed they could do without love, but they could not do without respect.

I say “perceived” lack because while most of us do respect the men in our lives, we have often unwittingly sent the opposite signal. For example, when he makes a decision, we reflexively question it, or offer all the reasons why he might be wrong. Or we second-guess his way with the kids, believing our way is better. Or we publicly tell a “funny” story about his inability to fix the plumbing on the fifth try. Or we tell him how to drive and what lane to be in, and pressure him to stop and ask someone else for directions.

We often don’t see the implications of such behavior; we think we are just being helpful, or have a more fitting solution. But for the average guy, these actions are excruciatingly painful and say one thing loud and clear: “I don’t trust or respect you.”

That loud message is also unbiblical, as is our cultural idea that, while love is to have no conditions attached, respect must be earned. The Bible says in Ephesians 5:33:

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Many of us must unlearn years of unbiblical assumptions and habits as we learn to support our husbands in the way they truly need.

At this point, wives might be thinking, It’s all about him. What do I get out of this deal? God is the master of paradox, and just as Jesus’ unconditional love for us leads us to want to be worthy of it, our decision to unconditionally demonstrate respect to our husband leads him to want to earn it—and to adore us. A man who is honored and built up by his wife will become the husband God created him to be, one better equipped to shower his wife with the unconditional love she craves.

The 30-Day Challenge

For the next 30 days, don’t say anything negative about your husband, either to him or to anyone else; instead, think and say only those things that are worthy of appreciation.

While this challenge will not instantly fix every subtly disrespectful behavior, it will root out many quiet destructive habits and issues of the heart that we may never have recognized before. And as we respect our husbands the way they need to be respected, we will experience the joy of watching them become godly men who love us in return.

Taken from In Touch magazine, May 2005, pp. 14-15. Visit www.intouch.org or www.shaunti.com.

Take the 30-Day Challenge! Start doing a checklist everyday of whether you are living up to the challenge and share your experiences with us at cypapaper@live.com or comment at this article and sign it with your name. Begin now!